#ttrpg #OSR Pounding Dick Pound: An Interview

Picture this: it’s a dark Saturday night in Lisbon, and we find ourselves in a dingy bar, the kind where the whiskey flows freely and the smoke is so thick you can barely see the other end of the room. That’s when we saw him – the one and only Dick Pound, the author of MEN – A Men RPG for Manly Men, as expected, the very definition of rugged masculinity. A gorgeous woman was perched on his lap and a cigar clamped between his teeth. But what really caught our eye was the scene playing out before us: Dick was locked in a fierce card game with none other than a massive grizzly bear. You might be wondering how did get a bear into the bar. Through the door, of course.

Let’s start with the questions on everybody’s mind: Who is Dick Pound, and is it true that you wrote MEN to get the Red Room kicked out from DrivethruRPG?

That’s two questions, you buffoon. Dick Pound is a European who does European stuff most of the time but has occasional, rare, bouts of manliness. This is one of them. He, that is, I, has some other stuff on DTRPG as well as Amazon, so he had to get rid of the competition.

So… Nah, I’m just kidding. You guys are great. You’re like Kenobi. When they strike you down, you return as pale blue ghosts.

So, what is the story behind MEN?

Men was actually written many years ago on a woman. (lol, stupid Word suggested the correction “by a woman”). It began as a joke. Neither of us knew that we were writing the first words of what one day would become the most important piece of counterculture ever produced. Amazingly, neither of us were drunk. Honestly, I was just looking for an excuse to get her to take her top off and she was looking for an excuse to take her top off as well. Neither of us planned for this to result in a fucking book.

Anyhow, I soon ran out of woman, so I was forced to move to a computer, which kinda defeated the whole purpose of getting her to take her top off. I playtested it once, but we were all too drunk to remember if it worked. I remember some dude whining about something ending with ism but he didn’t remember what it was the next morning. Probably some gay shit.

So I thought, “let’s send it to the Red Room. These guys will publish anything.” And you did. Suckers.

What is the thing with you and bears? Do you know if they really shit in the woods?

Bears are amazing and noble creatures who can shit anywhere they like. If you’re a bear, you’re welcome to come to my home and take a shit any time you want. You’ve earned it. Bears have contributed more to our society than most people understand. Without bears we wouldn’t have the internet, alcohol or sodomy. Look it up! Educate yourself.

Are you a Manly Man?

No, but I play one on TV.

Is MEN playable?

Everything is playable if you don’t give a shit enough. On a more serious note, this game was designed for short adventures spanning several sessions or for fillers for those nights when half your party doesn’t show up because they suck. However, the setting is consistent and you can run a campaign on it (her?). If you do, please tell me how it went. Just deliver the notes to any bear you meet in the woods. They’ll know how to find me.

What do you do when you are not writing offensive games?

I don’t think it’s possible to write anything that isn’t offensive. There are eight billion people on this planet. Anything you write is sure to offend some of them. If you manage to write something totally inoffensive then the kind of people who like offensive stuff will be offended. If you don’t write anything at all, the people who liked your offensive stuff will be offended if you don’t write more of it.

…I’m sorry. What was the question again?

Is it true Greta Thunberg keeps mailing you her used panties?

Yeah, he’s a strange little guy. I use them to warm my house in the winter instead of oil. It makes him happy.

We have compared MEN to F.A.T.A.L. and some people didn’t get the joke… Anyway what is your opinion about F.A.T.A.L.? Is it the worse game ever written?

I’ve actually never read, or even seen FATAL. My main inspirations were: Gor, Heavy Metal, and South Park. I’m pretty sure the worst game ever written is whatever WOTC are going to publish next. Or maybe something German. These guys are crazy! Do you know they invaded Poland once? Crazy.

What is the average speed of an unladen swallow?

Slower than a bullet, I can tell you that much.

What is your favourite drink?

Bear juice. No wait, that came out wrong! Ah, shit.

How do you feel about people that have no sense of humour?

The same as I do about people without legs or noses or dicks. I feel sorry for them. They’re basically cripples. Only, instead of wanting to be cured of their condition, they want everyone to be just as crippled as they are. They’re like these mushroom guys from The Last of Us. They want everyone else to become brainless mushrooms as well. However, MEN RPG is the cure. Read it. Play it. Be awesome.

Did OJ did it?

No, I did it. He just killed his wife and some other dude. I don’t think he wrote any games at all.

What is the most offensive joke you can think of?

DTRPG. No, wait! That’s the saddest joke I can think of.

What is your favourite type of Boner?

Norwegian Wood.

Some people believe you slept with more than one million women during your lifetime. Care to comment on that?

Last year, a poll was ran in Italy. Women were asked: “would you like to sleep with Dick Pound?”

Half of them said, “yes!”

The other half said, “again?!”

How long did you take to write MEN? And can you confirm you wrote the whole thing on the body of a woman? Was that woman Jacinda Ardern?

Amazingly, I finished the whole thing in about ten days. I was on a mission from God, or at least someone who claimed he was God. And no, writing the whole thing on a woman would require an immensely fat woman and I don’t date immensely fat women.

A Twitter user wrote “If Mel Brooks created and wrote role playing games instead of directing movies and writing screenplays, he would have created & written, MEN: the role playing game for manly men”. Are you a Mel Brooks fan?

I like Space Balls, but otherwise no, not really. People who like Mel Brooks say he’s offensive, but I’ve never seen anyone actually offended by him. Then again, I’m not 80. My inspiration was Gor, South Park, and Heavy Metal. Also, a single line from a Clive Barker novel. Sadly, I forgot what the line was. Something about boners probably. Dude loves his boners!

If MEN had been published 10 years ago, do you think it would have caused this much outrage?

Maybe even more. 2012 was when the SJWs began their assault after preparing in secret for years. They were young and full of energy and quickly overran all defenses. Now, they’re old, fat, and rich. Now, there’s a reaction to their aggression. Back then, we were all clueless, innocent like bears in the woods. Now, at least there are two sides in a war, not one side and a whole lot of victims. No, I think that MEN came in just at the right time, which is why so many folks are excited about.

How long is your penis?

Long enough.

There’s a rumour going on that you killed JFK. Is it true?

He shouldn’t have been talking shit.

What’s your opinion about Hannah Gadsby’s stand-up comedy shows?

Who?

Are you planning to write anything else for MEN or other work as Dick Pound? (pretty please with sugar on top?)

Yeah, I plan to write a few adventures and maybe novellas. The first will be about some normal dudes who arrive on Hatia. The second will explore more in depth some of the, um, upper locations. I also have an idea for a pretty asinine dungeon crawl… if you know what I mean.

I also consider doing some geographical expansions. I understand there are some people in some remote spots in South America and South East Asia who weren’t offended yet. This makes me sad.

Did you take the shot?

Plenty of wankers took a shot at me, but they all missed. I’m a man who cannot be killed. You feel me? Um, that’s a rhetorical question. Please don’t feel me.

What’s next for Dick Pound?

A shit in the woods.